Couples Therapy
If you're feeling stuck in endless arguments, disconnected from your partner, or struggling with trust issues, you're not alone—many couples face these challenges. Couples counseling can provide you with the tools to break free from negative patterns, improve communication, and rebuild the emotional intimacy that brought you together in the first place.
About the Gottman Method
Gottman Couples Therapy is a research-based approach designed to help couples build and sustain healthy, lasting relationships. Developed by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, this method focuses on improving communication, resolving conflict, and fostering deep emotional intimacy. Couples often seek therapy when facing challenges like frequent arguments, emotional disconnection, trust issues, infidelity, or simply feeling stuck in their relationship. Gottman therapy offers practical tools and insights to address these struggles, teaching couples how to enhance their friendship, manage conflict effectively, and create shared meaning in their partnership. By focusing on the "Four Horsemen" of relationship breakdown and using interventions grounded in decades of research, Gottman therapy helps couples develop stronger bonds, improve emotional understanding, and reestablish trust and connection.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as identified in Gottman Couples Therapy, are negative communication patterns that can predict relationship breakdowns. They are:
Criticism: Attacking your partner's character or personality rather than addressing specific behaviors or issues.
Contempt: Expressing disdain, disrespect, or superiority, often through sarcasm, mocking, or eye-rolling.
Defensiveness: Reacting to perceived criticism by denying responsibility, making excuses, or counter-attacking rather than listening or taking ownership.
Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the conversation, shutting down emotionally, or refusing to engage, often as a way to avoid conflict.
Alyssa Mackintosh, LCSW
COUPLES THERAPIST
Trained at the highest level in the Gottman Method
Gottman Couples Therapy provides specific skills and interventions to help couples counteract the Four Horsemen and foster healthier communication and connection. After a structured couples assessment your therapist will help you zone in on which horseman are directly affecting your relationship and help you learn skills associated with each horseman.
1. Criticism
Skill: Using "I" Statements
Couples are taught to express their feelings and needs without blaming or attacking their partner. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," a person might say, "I feel unheard when I'm talking and you look at your phone."Skill: Complaints vs. Criticism
Couples learn to express their concerns as complaints, not criticisms. Complaints focus on specific behaviors rather than attacking a partner’s character. For example, "I’m upset because we didn’t spend time together this weekend" instead of "You never care about spending time with me."
2. Contempt
Skill: Cultivating Appreciation and Respect
Gottman therapy emphasizes the importance of positive interactions, like expressing appreciation and gratitude for each other. Couples are encouraged to engage in daily "bids" for connection, focusing on kindness and respect rather than mockery or disdain.Skill: The "Culture of Appreciation"
Couples learn to create a culture where they regularly acknowledge and appreciate each other's efforts, contributions, and positive qualities, fostering respect and reducing contempt.
3. Defensiveness
Skill: Accepting Responsibility
Instead of becoming defensive, couples learn to take responsibility for their part in conflicts. Even if the issue isn't entirely their fault, they are taught to acknowledge their feelings and actions. For example, "I can see how my tone upset you" rather than "I wouldn’t have said that if you hadn’t done this."Skill: Paraphrasing and Reflective Listening
This helps couples listen more attentively and reflect back their partner’s feelings, making them feel heard and understood. It reduces the tendency to become defensive by validating their partner’s experience.
4. Stonewalling
Skill: Physiological Self-Soothing
Couples are taught how to manage emotional overload by taking a break during intense arguments (often called a "time-out") to calm down and reset. This prevents stonewalling by giving both partners space to cool off before continuing the conversation.Skill: Creating a "Time-Out" Agreement
Gottman therapy helps couples establish clear guidelines for taking breaks in heated conversations—ensuring both partners know how to disengage without shutting down completely, and then re-engage in a productive way.
By addressing each of the Four Horsemen with these specific skills, Gottman Couples Therapy helps couples reduce negative patterns and build stronger, more resilient relationships based on healthy communication and mutual respect.